I would like to firstly dedicate this to everyone who was affected by my bi-polar Blair. A lot of people have been affected by his illness and even though he's lived his life arguing and in anger, I believe today (April 4th, 2013) I finally know what he has, Bi-polar. I have been with Ryan for almost ten years of my life. And for the last 10 years Ryan and I have been into a lot of fights, headaches, stress and much more. Through this blogging, I am going to be talking about our lives together as a couple and how we've hit rock bottom and are going to continue to move to the top so you can understand the amount of pain, suffering, happy times we've endured into our lives with this disease. I also want to mention to you that I don't read or write so if I am all over the place please understand that I just need to get this off my chest as I feel very positive about this moment right now. Im going to take you back to the beginning of our lives when we first met, first got together, got married, had our child, marriage problems and damn near a divorce (I think). My name is Shannon and here is our story.
I was dating this guy named Dan, off and on for my whole teenage years. He and I had a lot of fun, and through breaking up several of times I knew he wasn't the guy for me. I knew I loved him, but at the tender age of 14-16 years old.. you don't know what the difference is of puppy love and true love. We had a great connection but now that I think of it, I truly believe we kept going back together because it was comfort. I knew I really liked him but knew he wasn't the right one for me. We had ended it at the end of 2001 and moved on with our lives. A few months later (2002), I had met a guy by the name of Lloyd. Lloyd and I had chemistry. We loved to laugh, party and go on coffee dates. We'd travel to go get our friends and travel all over the place just to explore and hang out. My parents have been separated since I was 12 years old and How my parents split custody of my brother and I was mom had us through the school months here in Brandon, Manitoba and dad would take us for the summer months in Toronto where he lived. I was 17 years old and really really was digging Lloyd and I felt he liked me just as much. Just a few weeks left before I had to go visit my father in Toronto, I started getting upset. I didn't want to leave Lloyd here in Brandon. I was just having too much fun and the thought of not seeing him for a couple of months, I guess scared me because I didn't want to loose him. Lloyd had lived in St Catherine Ontario with his ex girlfriend for a couple of years and they broke up before.. so Ontario was nothing new for Lloyd. Through the last couple of weeks turning into days, I had asked Lloyd if he would even consider coming with me to Toronto for the summer. He said to me, "Shannon, I miss Ontario so much that if I were to visit Toronto, I would want to move back." So brain storming with him I thought our relationship could take the next step. I had asked my dad if he minded if Lloyd and I could move out there and live with him. With a couple of days of thinking about it, dad agreed. I have NEVER been so excited before to start a new beginning with a guy that I had nothing but fun with him. He was going to work for my father out in Toronto. I felt that this was right.. this is and who I was destined for. So starting our life out there sounded great. We loved that we were fresh and in a new place. Dad didn't allow us to stay in the same room over night. So it made it very difficult to "connect" and have what we had back in Brandon. Don't let me mistake you, "connecting" with Lloyd was all mental, it never got physical. A few weeks later, dad wanted to take me out for a coffee.. I was super stoked because I havn't had done anything with my dad as of yet and wanted to reconnect with him. So we went out that night and he began to talk. Dad started asking me how I was doing and how I was liking Toronto. I replied with excitement saying that Toronto could give Lloyd and I a new fun beginning in life. Dad face looked down and then he said "Shannon, I need to talk to you about Lloyd.. Lloyd doesn't want be with you any more." I looked at dad and I swore I thought he was joking. "You're joking me right?" I said. "No Shannon, it isn't working out!" BOOM that is where the slap in the face came out of no where. How just a short month ago was everything so awesome back in Manitoba and came to a screeching haul?! A couple weeks had gone by and I still didn't even know the answer, even though the answer was laying in his bed downstairs in our basement. I was heartbroken.
Naturally when things didn't work out I started to feel lonely. I was in a new place with exciting opportunities just was really bummed out about the break up. So instead of going out and looking for new friends and potential boyfriends, I got online and started talking back with Dan.
Dan and I talked about how much since we've broken up, how much we missed each other over MSN. MSN is/was a chat program back in the day. Dan and I would get on camera and just talk. Vent. Did everything we did together but in different cities. Dan had moved to Winnipeg from Brandon to change parts of his life around. He confessed to me that he wants to be back together and start living. Dan and I fantasied about how our house and apparment was going to look like, how we wanted to decorate it, and we all agreed about that. There was only one problem. I was in Toronto, he was in Winnipeg. I was not moving back because I had just moved and didn't want to move back to Manitoba. He was planning to go to school in Winnipeg. So we decided to hang tight and just still talk etc. One day we were talking over MSN. Dan had mentioned that he had his new best friend over Ryan. He said he really liked Ryan because he was blunt, ,funny and knew how to have a good time. I guess him and Ryan were chilling for the day and ones house. At one point, Dan had gone and left to grab a slurpee and low and behold I found out shortly I was chatting with Ryan. When Ryan got the computer he was a big flirt, charming and very well with his words. He began telling me he thought I was so beautiful and couldn't believe that Dan could get with such a beautiful girl. What a friend eh?!? Shithead. Anyways, Ryan had asked me if he minded if he added me to MSN. Without hesitation I said yes go ahead.
The next couple of weeks, I found myself drawn into Ryan's personality and charm when we chatted. I found myself falling for Ryan even though I wanted to be with Dan. I was confused. So talking with Dan, I guess I must of started talking to Dan saying how cool his friend is, how we talked ever day and so on. Dan said to me that if we were to start a relationship to respect him and not talk to Ryan. He said to me that he didn't want Ryan to take me away from him. So with the respect of Dan, I'd stop talking to Ryan. Dan and I continued to talk about our future life together and how excited he was and excited he was going to get back together with me.. and vise versa. We had it all planned out. Through out the months of not talking to Ryan, Ryan would see me pop online and start messaging me but I wouldn't respond back. Finally days later, Ryan being a blunt person said to me: Listen, I don't know what I've done for you to stop talking to me.. And I really enjoyed our conversations previously but can you just please just this once answer me this question: Does Dan have any reason to why your not talking to me?
Taken back on what I was just confronted with and speechless on how I was going to answer, I waited about 10 minutes to come up with a mature answer. I had wrote back and said that "Yes, yes because Dan and I wanted to be together and that being friends with Ryan could potentially mean I would loose him and him as in Dan" Out of respect for his friend, he understood. He said listen I won't get in the way of your love story. I don't need to step on anyone's toes. Im sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or anything what so ever if you felt threatened of loosing the relationship with Dan etc. I told Ryan that no he didn't do that to me.. it must of been to Dan that he felt threatened by. And Ryan had said he figured Dan was behind all of this. Ryan had continued to say "Hey well, if you happen to want to delete me off MSN then fine. But I still want to get to know you because your going to be dating my best friend". I had said that I had no problem having him on my MSN, and that we could continue to be friends. So with weeks that have gone by Ryan and I talked, Dan and I had talked. Dan suddenly wasn't coming on MSN much and Ryan was constantly there. Keep in mind, This is what us kids only did back in the day. I kept asking Ryan where Dan was, what he was doing all that kind of crazy stuff a girlfriend could ask when you couldn't find your man. Dan suddenly became here but there in my life. Confused because I couldn't talk to him or get a hold of him I started talking to Ryan. Ryan basically started telling me who he was and vise versa.
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